Are Your Regrets Holding You Back? Wise Mind Strategies For Getting Unstuck So You Can Move Past Your Regrets

Regret. It’s something we all deal with. 

But sometimes those voices in our head – “If only I’d done this!....If only I’d said that!” – can become crippling, making it impossible to move forward.  If that ever happens to you, here are some important steps you can take to get yourself unstuck and begin moving past your regret.

1.Step back and label your emotion:

The first step is to acknowledge what you’re feeling. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Because when we’re feeling horrible, our first instinct is often to tune OUT that feeling. But you need to do the opposite. You need to tune IN to that crushing feeling in your chest, or that pit in your stomach, and realize that what you’re feeling is….regret!  

Why? Because you cannot manage an emotion that you don’t acknowledge!!

2. Check the facts and challenge your thinking:

Have you ever felt a pang of regret, and immediately feared the worse?  Of course you have: you’re human!  In the worst cases, that fear can be overwhelming.  Because when we’re in “Emotion-Mind” we tend to engage in catastrophic thinking.  

So, hold on!  Don’t go down that road. Instead, step back and ask yourself: is there another way to look at the situation? For example, what if you’re jumping to irrational conclusions?  Do you have all the information? Do you even know that things would be different if you’d made a different choice?

When you take the time to reconsider your assumptions, you’re operating from "Wise-Mind," a state of mind that balances logic and emotion. Doing this might reveal that your regret isn’t fully justified or that it’s overblown. 

3. Turn your mind toward “Radical Acceptance”:

OK, so what if you do the above and still decide that your feelings of regret are appropriate?  Stick with me here, because this part is critical.  

The only way to move past feelings of loss, shame, or sadness triggered by regret is…to accept them. Why? Because we experience less suffering when we aren’t fighting our feelings!

This is what we therapists mean by “Radical Acceptance”: the ability to acknowledge what has happened, without passing judgment on yourself; the ability to live with your distressing feelings, without trying to push them away. 

But here’s the thing: acceptance is hard!  And unfortunately, there’s no easy 5-step manual for cultivating acceptance. Acceptance is an attitude, not an action. It’s a state of mind you cultivate by recognizing the situation, acknowledging the emotions that are upsetting you, and just allowing it all… to be. 

The phrase “It is what is” gets used a lot these days and can sound trite.  But aphorisms often contain wisdom.  And when it comes to regret, sometimes you need to be able to tell yourself: “It is what it is, and I can’t change what happened.”

4. Take an action:

That said, if the regret you feel involves hurt you've caused another person, then there IS something you can do: seek to repair the damage.  Often, the surest path to relieving our own anguish is to put aside our egos and try to make amends. 

If there is no opportunity to make amends, then commit to doing something different in the future based on what you’ve learned from this situation.  Personal growth is the project of a lifetime. 

But if the regret you feel is yours alone, then forgiving yourself is equally important. 

Try to remember that everyone makes mistakes, and treat yourself with the same kindness and empathy you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.  It’s amazing how often in life we forget to do this simple thing.

5. Shift your focus:

OK, so you’ve practiced radical acceptance, made amends, and forgiven yourself. Now it’s time to move forward. Easier said than done, right? Because we all tend to revisit things in our mind. So it’s incredibly important to notice when you’re getting sucked back into ruminating about the situation, and shift your focus.  Do this again. And again. Do it as many times as necessary.

6. Seek support:

Shame can cause us to hide how we’re feeling. And being alone with regret can make it feel so much worse. Reach out and connect with someone who can offer you reassurance and kindness. A friend, a family member, a loved one.  Or if you’re feeling too overwhelmed or stuck, consider seeking help from a professional. At the ​​Center for Wise Mind Living, our therapists are all intensively trained in DBT, a therapy focused on helping people regulate their emotions and cultivate radical acceptance. You don’t have to stay stuck in regret, and you certainly don’t need to be alone with it. 

Written by: Erin Olivo, PhD

Photo Credits: Anthony Tran

Nik Shuliahin